I was listening to Big Time Rush’s song “Boyfriend” the other day and it sparked something inside of me that had me thinking about dating & relationships. Besides the fact that this song is easily a top hit, it made me reflect on the transition from girlhood to womanhood, and the growing pains that come along with that when the transition from boyhood to manhood isn’t broadly encouraged or discussed. It’s a sad sad state today for Zillennials who are trying to attract men, all while warding off their male companions in age who’ve chosen to remain boys.
The chorus of this song, for those who aren’t familiar, basically says that she’s looking for a boyfriend & the boys want to prove that she can put her trust in them (or one of them). Hear that? She isn’t looking for a sneaky link, or “something casual” with a man in his 30s on Hinge. She wants a boyfriend! partnership! trusted companionship!
Today’s version of vowing for a girl’s heart is by taking her out to a subjectively nice dinner and coordinating with the staff to get “will you be my girlfriend?” written on a dessert plate. I’ve seen many official relationship announcements utilize the dessert-at-the-restaurant method in my adult life, sometimes even with a decorated hotel room afterwards featuring rose petals and champagne! Oh, the romance! From celebrities to my very own mutuals, this seems to be where the bar is set. Now I’m not one to judge, or say this is wrong, as I have been asked to be a girlfriend with even less effort than that. However, now that I have my new fully developed frontal lobe, hearing this song once again has made it crystal clear to me that this just won’t do.
The then teenage boys of Big Time Rush wouldn’t dare take their lady in waiting to a nice dinner and ask her to be their girlfriend via a dessert. That bar is far too low for these lover-boy teenagers! And I wondered… if they can understand the nuances of how to treat a woman, or in their case, a girl, then how come the boys (allegedly men) of today struggle to grasp the same concept? I poke fun, but seriously, I don’t ever feel a sensation of “that’s what I want” when I see those dessert plate relationship announcement posts. I don’t think that demonstration feels like enough of a grand gesture or romantic display of affection to court a woman.
I appreciate the concept of the song being about a boy asking a girl if he can be hers, rather than the other way around. A boy asking a girl if she will allow him to be her boyfriend no longer implies that a girl is something to HAVE. It’s that little piece that has gotten lost in translation over the years. Boys take women to have and to hold a bit too literally, so much so that they think that’s all women are good for, or worse, have multiple women at once! And women just suffer & deal with it, as we’ve been conditioned to do. Thankfully, the number of single women is on the rise, so maybe we’re all finally standing up and raising the bar from the literal ground.
In light of this revelation, I took it upon myself to Google the definition of the word “boyfriend” to be sure I knew what it meant. I thought, alas, maybe the girls are wrong & misunderstanding what exactly is being asked of these boys! In order to accurately compare all “relationship types” on the market these days, I also Googled “situationship” and “partner”.
the definitions read:
boyfriend: a regular male companion with whom one has a romantic or sexual relationship.
situationship: a romantic or sexual relationship that is undefined and noncommittal.
partner: a person with whom one shares an intimate relationship : one member of a couple.
Now from these definitions alone, I don’t even want a boyfriend! (Sorry Big Time Rush, but my answer is no!) One thing’s for sure though, when we look at the definition of the word partner, it sounds more appealing and more mature for grown adults in committed relationships. The qualifiers of “one member of a couple” and “shares an intimate relationship” stand out to me as holding more emotional weight and, well, partnership. Two people who are in it together. And for the record, we really should be using the word boyfriend in place of situationship. I will never forgive y’all for creating & normalizing that word!
Perhaps the meaning of relationships has been lost in translation between men and women because of the lackluster attempt at distinguishing boyhood and manhood as two distinctly different eras of life. We’re seeing in real time this year the shift from girlhood to womanhood, and women are welcoming that shift with open arms. It’s time for society to start normalizing the shift out of boyhood and into manhood. Now of course there are the psychological components that allow the female brain to progress sooner than the male brain, but I personally would like to see more men try. Try to get it. Try to define your own differentiation between being a boy and being a man.
Nonetheless, I do have hope for [some] Zillennial and Gen-Z boys. Since having access to everyone’s inner dialogue on social media is the new norm, I believe we will see more men share their views on how they are thinking about life & relationships with a fully developed frontal lobe. Someone has got to promote healthy masculinity to replace all the toxic masculinity propaganda that keeps boys in this “boys will be boys” mindset, and it has to come from other evolved men in order for the message to take hold & spread.
I’d like to believe that by women putting their foot down and vocalizing that they expect more from men and more out of partnership, then more men will learn that the only way to get the woman they actually want is by evolving.
It’s this realization that also adds helpful context to the increased use of the word “partner” outside of queer relationships. Heterosexual couples obviously needed an additional word to indicate that their relationship is to be taken seriously. Interesting enough, these new adopters of the word partner are usually women. I don’t have any factual data sources to back this up, but just think about how often you hear a woman introduce the person she’s dating as her partner, versus how many times a man has confidently done the same. Me personally, I’ve only ever heard one man introduce the lady in his life as his partner.
For those within the LGBTQIA+ community who may find the expansion of the word “partner” a bit unsettling, or wrong, I think it’ll be okay. What used to be a key indicator that someone was not engaging in a heteronormative relationship is a bit more, let’s say, all encompassing, but that doesn’t have to be a bad thing. Regardless of whether or not the relationship one is in is queer or heterosexual, the word “partner” encompasses the appropriate nuances needed to represent the mature relationships people want to have.
A situationship is simply unserious and oftentimes viewed as a sign of immaturity. The word boyfriend doesn’t hold enough weight to describe the person one lives with, has been dating for many years, and is very serious about. The options for distinguishing a relationship don’t have to be limited to only boyfriend or fiancé, especially as the concept of marriage continues to be reconsidered. I too am taken a bit off guard when I hear heteronormative people use the word partner, but that doesn’t mean it’s wrong. We’re undergoing a shift in mindset and I welcome it.
Hey, maybe this will make the dating pool better in the long run! Lord knows it could use a little, shaping 😝
THE IDENTITY CRISIS 